Talitha Cumi

I’m baaaaccck! (Woes of a perfectionist FiLm-ey_)

Mayne 40 pgs and a ton of reblogs and I finally feel like I’ve gotten a full dose of Tumbllrre! It’s been soo long. Too long.

What’s been going on?? Everything and more.

Stupid stats class has been ticking me off. Why do I really need to know all this? I would run from any job that required me to compute this stuff by hand and it’s not beneficial. Let’s just leave stats to the ppl who actually enjoy it and don’t have panic attacks at the mention of p values, chi squared distributions, and hypothesis testing.

Anyhoo, what’s really been sucking the life forces out of me lately has been my film. Yes, my first short film (approx 19:07 with credits and title)

And now that the experience is over, I realize that I have to write some things down now even if no one ever reads it, just so I can clear out some room in my psyche.

First off, when I submitted my script/proposal, I never dreamed they’d let me in the class because they got a ton of submissions and only 12 were chosen. So, I started off with a bit of confidence, like “Ok yeah. I got this.” Needless to say that didnt last long because from the initial script phase of this project, I was very insecure about my story. I mean I like it, but I’m a weird and I didn’t know if anyone else would like it. As much as I’d like to say that I make art without caring what people think, it simply is not the case. I have to engage in all out war with myself to find some semblance of balance. The story is about a girl with a fear of mirrors and she has to confront that fear in the course of the movie. Simple, right? I know, almost to the point of being cheesy. But it represents something profound (to me at least), exploring ideas of fear, self perception, fragmentation, love, friendship, and the bounds between what is false and real. (lol vague “deep” statement to be expounded on in a later post)

I knew I was starting off at a disadvantage because I really don’t know any “FCs” (film children) at my school and I needed to assemble an entire crew. I called the few people I did know and most of them had “other things they were already working on” i.e. nothing for I have yet to see the fruits of those labors. I ended up emailing random FCs out of desperation and I finally found a DP (director of photography) and assembled a bare bones crew of about 7 people most of whom had little to no experience, while other ppl in my class had crews of over 20 ppl.

I used all campus locations and shot on a camera my DP already had (canon 7D), while almost everyone else shot on the “Red” (the gold standard film camera among FCs) and had exotic locations like bridges in downtown Chi.

We had a ton of issues along the way, but finally we got everything shot and if it was a questionable shot or take, we told ourselves “we’ll fix it in post.”

…And then came post, the third and most painful phase of this project. I had an editor who’d petitioned to work on it and she seemed dedicated and capable. I also had a great composer and someone to do color, so I was pretty set or so I thought. I’d taken a couple sound design classes myself and figured I could do the audio work since no one petitioned. We started off a bit behind schedule, but nothing terrible. As the weeks rolled on though, we still didn’t have a final lock on picture and I needed to get sound, color, and music done. And then a week before the final film was due, my editor up and asks me if I can “take over” editing. That’s right SHE QUIT. I thought of choking her out. I really did, but it’s not the Christian thing to do. From there, it all went downhill. I missed the first deadline to submit the movie, but fortunately I wasn’t alone so we put all the late films on the same dvd and just turned it in.

GETTING TO THE POINT: It’s all over. The premiere’s tomorrow and instead of excitement or even relief what do I feel? Crippling disappointment and shame. Yes, shame.

The picture editing is ok. Sound is abysmal. There’s like some “devil hum” that I could not figure out how to eliminate for the life of me and I guess it must be the same frequency as the actors’ voices. Because my editor abandoned me and I had to get to picture lock on my own, I didnt have time to work with my composer and I had to take whatever he gave me or be forced to have no music at all. Even though he’s a very talented composer, I don’t particularly care for the music he gave me. It’s too epic, sounds like it should be on a video game or something and it makes the movie seem too melodramatic in certain parts. I have no idea how the color and sound will play in the screening venue tomm and there are some frames where the color goes back and forth between a beach glow and “twilight” pale green tint because my colorist had to do the entire project in like 5hrs despite the fact that he hadn’t had any sleep and had 2 finals the next day.

I didn’t sleep more than 4 hrs a night for the last 10 days and I slept in the editing room, staked out to keep other FC vultures from swooping in on my computer. I called off from work all last week. I missed my senior year dillo day and sat in the library trying to figure out how to remove the “devil hum” from audio without making my actors sound like wraiths from some dark planet. I missed the end of the year dinner with my Bible study group at my FAVORITE restaurant. I missed the FREE senior dinner at my job. I haven’t talked to my momma in like the past 2 days (that’s a record for us).

On the plus side, I did get to have the wonderful experience of listening to a mini orchestra perform the musical score for the film live. It was almost magical, really. And most importantly I became friendsies with Fasi, a gift from God and the only reason I didn’t have a nervous breakdown in that super small editing room. Through it all, (and it’s been a lot) Fasi’s been there to share in my grief and try to assuage my anguish. I also have the memories of dancing to “booty werk” and “she wratched” at 4 am in the editing room with Fasi. (You can only listen to hot messery to keep yourself awake at that point.) And the memory of the maniacal way we ran from the library after pulling yet another all nighter over to claim an editing booth as soon as the building opened. Or the sight of Fasi carrying around her pillow and shawl as we tried to avoid human contact and desperately search for gum to quell our terrible overnight “stank breath”

Nonetheless, at the end of the day, I’m a perfectionist and I feel like I’ve failed at this project. Something in my soul breaks at that admission. I keep telling myself I just need more time and I just realized today that it seems as if throughout my whole college career I’ve never been completely satisfied with what I turn in for most projects. It’s always “if I had a little more time…” I don’t know if satisfaction is even attainable or if my perfectionist drive will always make me feel as if I’ve failed in some way. Either way, I won’t be able to rest until I make this film better at least for the DVD copies I send out. I can’t have the shame on permanent record. I’m just sad everyone will see it tomorrow in its present opprobrious state. I’m thinking of telling people the wrong time, so they miss mine….

CLOSING WORDS: I’ve learned a lot though and please believe that the next film I make will be awesome.

p.s. This is the first of many posts about being a FiLm-ey kid and the struggles I encounter making “art”… or something like it. They probably won’t be this long on average, though. Hopefully I’ll make them into videos, but I really don’t like seeing myself on camera. So, we’ll see…

Talitha Cumi

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I’m baaaaccck! (Woes of a perfectionist FiLm-ey_)